Article By Cora Miller
I once heard someone say, “Words are like spells, they have meaning and impact as we cast them out into the world, that’s why we call written words spelling.”
Whether or not you believe in the power of words, this idea may spark interesting thoughts and conversations for you, as it has done for me. Words can be cutting, sharp, weaponized, manipulated or even used to cause hurt. Words can also be used like poetry, or a form of art with softness that feels warm, kind and light.
The same can be said for body language. These are all forms of communication which come from language and shape each and every culture. I’m sure we can all agree that language is an essential tool for communicating. Body language can show us feelings or express thoughts without words.
When people speak different languages or interpret language, miscommunications or misunderstandings can occur. For instance, when I was younger I noticed some girls whispering and one looked over at me. I instantly felt flushed, and assumed they were making fun of me or gossiping about me. Their body language felt familiar to something I had seen on TV. As it turns out, my assumption was not correct, but this anecdote displays how sometimes we interpret things based on previous experiences or observations.
Incorrect assumptions can cause big gaps in our perception of others and the world around us. It’s not to say we are always assuming body language in a wrong way, but rather, it is possible to have misinterpretations. Seeking clarity is greatly helpful. If I have learned anything in the field of counseling, it is that language is a powerful tool, and a key for opening the door of understanding. The languages we speak, much like body language, can easily shift the direction of a conversation or interaction.
Even though we speak the same language, we often understand the meaning of words differently. For example, someone says they are “fine”, but what exactly does “fine” mean? This is different for all of us. To some, it may mean they are okay and just want to work through some of their concerns internally, quietly, without discussion. For others this might mean they are really not fine but feel uncomfortable sharing, or maybe they aren’t quite sure how they feel.
Counselors are educated and conditioned to seek clarity. We ask questions to identify exactly what someone means by their words. It is often that due to miscommunication we feel deeply misunderstood or unseen. This is one reason why counselors have jobs! The language we use when talking to people in counseling is of importance too.
Narrative therapy aims to allow people to choose their own words and define them in a way that means something to the individual.
In my last post, I touched on the way people adopt words, like hand-me-downs. For example, the word ‘anxiety’ may mean something to me, but something different to John down the street. For me anxiety might mean a stomach ache or tight jaw and overthinking a problem. For John it might mean a constant state of intensity and high energy without ability to focus. These are two very different experiences defined by one simple word.
Another word that appears freely online is the word ‘trauma’ and is used to describe everything from a car collision, to experiencing a loss of a loved one, to having an argument with someone online. Trauma is subjective, yet there is a weight to the word that is quite serious and impactful. Someone stating that a stubbed toe is traumatic, leaves room for the word to be greatly overused and watered down. Don’t get me wrong, it strikes up great conversation to debate what kinds of words people should use!
Language is powerful in the way that it can feel heavy or light, beautiful or ugly, and can help us express what’s going on for us. A splash of water to me, may be a tidal wave to you. The exploration of language must be meaningful. When people say that “it is hard to find the words”, it’s often because the feelings of our body and the emotions we know within us can be difficult to express in any spoken language. The words can be painted so underwhelmingly and lacking in impact.
Shifts in language create new understandings of others as well. Hopefully in therapeutic settings we can find more meaning, and gain more understanding of the parts of us we struggle with. These self teachings can be helpful in our interpersonal relationships. It is through language that we add or remove meaning and enhance our relationships and our communities through this important tool.
Counselors have a duty to hold space for people and allow them to find the truest, most meaningful words to describe their experiences. Moreover, it is the counselor’s responsibility to be intentional with language and to discuss the meanings and understandings behind some of the language to truly explore a narrative.